What is the main characteristic of this essay that would cause it to be scored poorly?
Generally, an essay should state the author's view in the first paragraph, then allude to supporting evidence in the remainder of that paragraph. The next three (at minimum) paragraphs should each give a different reason that supports the opinion stated. In this essay, the second paragraph is basically a restatement of the first paragraph. There are errors in sentence structure and mechanics, but they are minor compared to lack of support.